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24 March 2005 @ 08:51 pm

Possible TMI rant.  I apologize now for the overuse of the F word.  When I'm upset, the expletives fly.


Hubbie and I had a fight.  And as usual, it was about something small that got blown way out of proportion. I fucking hate it.  He can be such a spoiled baby sometimes.  I fucking hate the fact that he is an only child and was treated as a golden boy by his parents.  I wish that he had siblings so that he can understand what its like to not get your way all the time or go along with something even though its not something you really want to do.  My parents were stopping over so that my mother and I could pick out and order bridal shower gifts for my cousin's fiance.  Due to the fact that the shower is the same day as my niece's b-day party and hubbie's chosen night to celebrate his b-day (see previous posts for details on that fiasco) with friends, we are unable to attend. 

When he comes home from work, I inform him of this.  First, he starts in about how much I should or should not be spending on a gift becuase we're not going to the shower.  Then when I tell him my parents are stopping by he goes off the deep end about how he now has to entertain my father while my mother and I are on the computer and how he just wants to relax.  Well, tonight is his card might with his friends.  The reason I told my mother to come over is because I figured that by the time they got here, he would be off at cards.  He then starts going on about "what if I wasn't going to cards?"  Is he serious?  He knew long before the fight that he was going and what difference does that make?  I'm tired when I come home too, you know?  I wasn't up for entertaining anyone, but I knew it was just going to be a quick visit.  What is the big fucking deal?  I'm sure he'd make the effort for his parents.  And seriously, knowing him like I do, if he ending up not going to cards, and pitched a fit about my parents coming over, I would have called my parents and rescheduled or made the order over the phone. 

I feel like it always has to be his way...on everything.  Most of the time I agree, but for something this minor why was my opinion on the matter incorrect or less important than his?  He is correct all the time?  Fuck that!  I'm not some child that can't make decisions for herself.  When he gets into "only child, tantrum like a 4 year old" mode I can't get my side through to him.  I don't understand it, but I'm left feeling like I'm a horrible person, or I'm the one at fault.  He has the amazing ability to make me feel like shit and it kills me that I let him.  Then after all the yelling is over and I still feel like shit, I try and talk to him about how some of the things he said were hurtful and I get the usual reaction.  He doesn't want to deal with it.  I've psycho-analyzed his behavior to the point of nausea and I try, I really do, to not come across as a bitchy wife who has to get the last word in.  He can be very hurtful sometimes and whenever I try to point it out, he just gets defensive and angry.  I'm sure I do as well, but I've been making a concscious effort over the years to try and listen without reacting first. 

So, now I'm sitting here, in an empty house, trying not to cry because I feel so low.  I love him more than life itself and I know he loves me too, but it kills me everytime we fight like this.  I'll sit here and rehash all night, but he won't.  The fights over for him so he won't give it another thought and that hurts.  I wonder if he ever stops and thinks back on what or how he said what he said and think "That wasn't very nice of me" or "maybe I overreacted."  Apology?  I highly doubt that's gonna happen.  He sees how this effects me and he usually does nothing.  I fucking hate the fact that I cry everytime we fight.  I'm not talking hysterics, but the tears flow and I can;t stop them.  This is my payback for repressing all my anger, pain, and sadness all those years ago.  I broke myself.  I just want a hug that I don;t have to ask for after we fight.  I don't care who's right or wrong, I just want some ressaurance.  He knows how sensitive I am. Is it just becuase he's so set in his ways?  I don't know.  Its just hard to deal with this sometimes. 

I don't know if any of this made any sense.  I just wrote what was going through my mind.  I don't want to paint my husband a bad person, but we all have our faults and this is one of his.  Time heals all wounds or wounds all heels, depending on how you look at it.  So, if  I'm coming up with pithy sayings, then I can't be too far gone.  It scares me when I feel like this.  I wonder if I'm going to get to the point where I'll just give up and let him have his way.  Then the rational part of my mind kicks in and screams "FUCK NO!"  Marriage is work, and anyone that tells you different is lying.  It just seems like I've been doing most of the work. 

Well, to anyone who reads this page and managed to hang in this long, I apologize for my insane babbling.  Drop a line, if you're out there.  I'd love to chat.

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