Log in

No account? Create an account
09 November 2005 @ 10:08 pm
Hold Your Light- Chapter 11  

Another Duo and Heero heart-to-heart.  The difference this time is that Duo sees just how deeply troubled Heero is. 

Quote comes from Tool and the song "46 & 2."  I hear Heero's voice in this quote.  While it does carry a self-harm connotation, I believe Heero to not be picking his scabs in the physical sense, but more of a metaphorical one.  How can he, someone who has trouble relating to others, offer comfort and assistance?  By falling back on the only source of information he can, Duo. 

Hold Your Light- Chapter 11




My shadow’s shedding skin

I’ve been picking scabs again.

I’m down, digging through

My own muscle looking for a clue


“46 & 2” – Tool








            I’ve been sitting in the window of my bedroom for a couple of hours now, smoking and thinking.  There is a nice breeze and the air smells fresh and clean.  I really should try to sleep, but I gave up on that after the first time Trowa woke up.  The smoke from my cigarette coils around my head like a serpent as I exhale.  I don’t feel like doing much of anything right now, so I just sit here and stare down into our backyard. 


            The sun is just beginning to rise and if I had the energy to care about it, I might sit here and sigh and marvel at its beauty.  But I don’t care.  I don’t care about the fact that the grass in our backyard needs to be trimmed or that our next-door neighbor’s new puppy dug a hole under our fence again.  I don’t care that my room looks like a tornado went through it or the fact that I need to do laundry or- shit! 


            I yelp as the cigarette I had forgotten burns down to my fingers.  I bring the wounded digit up to my mouth and suck on it as I angrily stub out what was left of the butt on the window sill.  I climb out of the window and flop down on the bed, noting dimly that I need to change the sheets, too.  My ass had fallen asleep from sitting in one position for too long and was now getting all pins and needles on me.  I must say it’s a bizarre feeling.  I roll onto my back, cross my arms behind my head and listen to the silence of the house.


            Earlier in the night, Trowa had woken up two more times.  His sobs didn’t last as long each time, the exhaustion taking its toll on him.  Not that it really matters, because every whimper, every snivel was a knife in my gut.   It took every ounce of willpower I had but I didn’t get up from the window when he cried out that final time, though I did hear the distinct sound of Heero’s door opening and closing.




            I don’t know what to think about him.  He’s normally so steady, so together.  I guess the whole situation has him in a tailspin, just like me.  I need to remember that he’s hurting too. 


He tried to seduce me. 


I haven’t really had a moment to think about that.  One minute he’s telling me that he’s been harboring feelings for Trowa since the wars, and then in the next breath he’s telling me that he wants me, too.  What the hell is that all about?  Then what do I do when he kisses me?  I kiss him back.  That was so appropriate of me.    But why?  Why did he do it? 


I get up from the bed and pace back and forth across my room.  I’m angry, I suddenly realize.  How dare he put me in a situation like this.  What would have happened if I hadn’t stopped him and we ended up having sex?  A quick fuck and everything would have been better? 


After the fifth or sixth lap around my room I find myself storming out and stomping loudly down the hall to Heero’s door.  I don’t even knock, just turn the knob and throw the door open.  I stand at the foot of Heero’s bed glaring, ignoring the gun trained on my forehead.  A few moments later, Heero clicks the safety back on and stows it underneath his pillow.  He is laying on top of his blankets in nothing but his boxers and a pair of socks.  I get the distinct impression that he was not asleep.


“You do realize what time it is, don’t you?” He asks dryly.  The light from the hallway casts the room in strange shadows.  I am unable to see Heero’s face and I want to look him in the eye.  I reach over to the wall and flick the light switch.  Heero flinches at the abrupt change and brings a hand up to shield his eyes. 


“What the hell were you thinking before?” I yell at him. 


“Before when?” He asks calmly.  His eyes are still squinted against the light.


“When you were trying to get in my pants.  What did you think that was going to accomplish?” 


Heero gives a long-suffering sigh and drops his hand in his lap.  “Must we do this now?  Can’t it wait until morning?”


“News flash, Heero.  It is morning and no, it can’t wait,” I say sarcastically.  Heero sighs again and pulls himself up so that he is sitting cross-legged.


“Fine, shut the door,” he responds gruffly.  I do so and then sit down on the end of his bed.


“I don’t know what to say, Duo,” Heero begins. There is a hint of frustration in his voice.  “I tried to explain before. I don’t know what more you could want to know.”


“I just want to know why, Heero,” I say a little calmer.  He looks at me as though I’ve asked for the impossible.  I close my eyes and rub my hand against my forehead, trying to ease some of the pressure that is building.


“I can field strip a rifle in under thirty seconds,” Heero says.  I open my eyes again to look to him for an explanation.  His eyebrows are knit with deep concentration as he struggles to find words to match his emotions.  “I can take out a fleet of mobile dolls or hack into just about any security system I’ve ever encountered.  I can also kill a man with my bare hands but this…this I can’t do.”  Heero’s voice is flat but there is an edge of irritation to it.   I look down to his hand which he has tightened into a fist and then up to his face and I wonder what these things have to do with the question I asked.


“I failed my mission,” He tells me in a monotone.  The weight of those four words is palpable in this small room and my eyes widen in astonishment.  Anyone that knows Heero knows how focused he is when it comes to a mission.  Focused is a gross understatement, actually.  Once given a mission, Heero will see it through to the end, always.  For him to make such an admission is…is…I don’t think I could even describe the magnitude of such a statement.   


“I failed Trowa,” Heero says breathlessly, defeated.  My chest tightens in response.  My anger dissolves, leaving sorrow in its place. 


“Heero…,” I begin, but whatever I was about to say dies on my tongue.  I regret coming to talk with him.   


“What do you want from me?” He groans as he clutches his head in his hands.  I want to answer him, I really do, but I can’t get the words out.  There is silence between us for a few minutes and I notice that the grip Heero has on his hair has tightened.  His mind must be going a thousand miles an hour right now. 


Sitting here next to Heero, you can almost forget just how lethal he can be when he wants you to.  That is, until he strikes.  I saw the movement out of the corner of my eye and just as my brain started to process it he had my upper arms in a vice grip and turned me to face him.  I open my mouth in an attempt to speak but Heero’s fingers tighten and I can only manage a startled squeak.  I am completely shocked by his aggression towards me. 


“What more could you possibly want?” He growls as he pulls me closer.  “I told you everything I can.” 


I made a futile attempt to try and twist out of his grasp but there was no breaking Heero’s iron grip.  “Heero, you’re hurting me,” I gasp out.  He either chooses to ignore me or is too angry to care because his fingers tighten to the point where I’m starting to hear bones creak.  My survival instincts kick into overdrive and I bring my leg up to plant my foot on Heero’s chest in order to push him off of me.  It’s like trying to move a brick wall and Heero uses the opportunity my shift in weight has given him to push me backwards onto the bed.  


“Heero, knock it off!  What the fuck are you doing?” I yell as I thrash around trying to get him to let go.  Heero straddles my hips but remains on his knees, leaving most of his weight on my upper arms.  I buck and kick my legs out ineffectually as he glares down at me. 


“What am I doing?” Heero snarls incredulously.  “I trying to do the best I can.  Everyone keeps telling me to talk about what I’m feeling and not to keep it inside.  Well, right now I feel like putting a bullet in the head of every single person who so much as thought unsavory things about Trowa.  Can you talk me through that, Duo?”  Heero says with a sneer in his voice.


“Heero….I….I…” I stammer.  If I say the wrong thing now I’m done for.  With the state that he is in, Heero could easily reduce me to a stain on the rug and not think twice about it. 


“I didn’t think so,” He says flatly as he hauls me upright and unceremoniously pushes me off the bed and onto the floor.  I land hard on my tailbone and grunt as the wind is knocked out of my lungs momentarily.  I look up to Heero and see him ever so calmly lean against the headboard and cross his arms across his chest.


“Now that we’re done playing questions and answers you can get out,” Heero says as he frowns at me.  I am about to stand and leave this room as fast as possible when my stubborn side reminds me that Heero still has not answered the question I asked.  


“You still didn’t answer the question,” I say as I cross my arms over my chest just to mock Heero.  My arms are still aching from where he grabbed me.  Bastard.  I’ll probably be bruised too.  I’m pressing my luck, I know.  Heero is obviously at the end of his rope and if I keep at him he could lash out at me again.  But if I’m one thing, I’m tenacious to a fault. 


“Christ, Duo!  I’m sorry,” Heero yells in desperation.  “I was sorry then and I’m sorry now.  It was a mistake.  Is that what you want to hear?”


“Yes and no, Heero,” I answer hesitantly.  “I think there is more to it than that and when you figure it out you can let me know.”  I climb to my feet and slowly take a few steps towards the door.  Heero watches every move I make with narrowed eyes.  I turn back to face him as my hand grasps the doorknob.  “I think I wanted it because I was feeling so overwhelmed and I think part of me wanted to comfort you at the same time.  It doesn’t really make sense, does it?” I say with a quiet laugh.  Heero’s expression softens but he does not answer.  Not that I expected him to.  “Sorry I bothered you,” I say as I pull open the door and step into the hall.  


“Duo, wait….I…,” Heero blurts out just as I was about to close the door behind me.  I pause and cock my head to the side in order to meet his gaze.   He sits up a little straighter now that he has my attention.  “I think I wanted that too,” He says timidly.  “I’m not sure really, but I know I want this pain I feel to stop.”  Heero rubs his palm over his chest roughly; as if that can ease the heartbreak he is experiencing.  


I nod my head in agreement and a sad smile touches my lips.  Seeing Heero so vulnerable is definitely new to me.  People tend to label him as unemotional but I think that’s not a fair assessment.  I think that he is just so disciplined that he can separate his emotions from his reasoning and actions.  Brutally calculating, yes, but not without emotion.  Whether or not that is a talent to be embraced is debatable, but I think he just doesn’t know any other way.  But you can’t use reason or logic when it comes to how you feel about something and I believe this is what has Heero so confused. 


“I know you do,” I respond.  “We all want to stop feeling this way but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon.  We just have to take things one step at a time,” I say with a shrug.  Heero relaxes slightly and shakes his head.  “Go to sleep, I’ll see you later.”  And with that I close the door behind me, and head back to my room.


This time when I throw myself on my bed, I made sure to take off my shirt and jeans first.  The sun has almost risen completely and I can hear the birds chirping off in the distance.  As I drift into sleep, I remark to myself that having a silent house is not such a bad thing, especially when it means that everyone is resting peacefully…I hope. 





Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
Current Music: Speed Master- Gackt