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24 October 2005 @ 06:46 pm
Hold Your Light- Chapter 6  

So, here is Duo's reaction to everything that Heero told him last chapter.  Now, Duo has some idea of what his friend's are struggling with, but is still at a loss as to how he can help them.  He starts going back and really thinking about what was going on between Trowa and him.  Did he make a mistake?  Can he be of any help now?  Duo will continue to do this through out the story as he reaches new twists in the road ahead of all of them.

Lyrics are from Tool and once again, the song "jimmy."  The rug has been pulled out from under Duo.  He no longer has that cushy lie that he had been comforting himself with.  The same lie that Trowa was guilty of believing in.  Things are falling apart.  Can they be put back together again?

Hold Your Light- Chapter 6




What was it like to see

The face of your own stability

Suddenly look away

Leaving you with the dead and hopeless?

“jimmy”- Tool






            I watch Heero’s back as he leaves.  It then dawns on me that this is the second time that he has left me dumbfounded in our kitchen today.  If I was able to feel anything other then overwhelming numbness I may have found some humor in that.  So, here I am once again left alone with my thoughts.  Twenty four hours ago I wanted nothing more than to know what had happened to my friends.  I’m not so sure I want this knowledge now that I have it. 


            I have to admit that even though everything Heero told me was horrible and I know it must have been awful for him to do so, my mind is stuck replaying one piece of information.  Heero loves Trowa.  And he loves him in a way that goes beyond friendship.  And Trowa knows.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  If the tightening in my chest and the sour taste in my mouth are any indication, I must feel pretty bad. 


            The air in this kitchen is starting to feel stale so I had outside to our back porch.  I suppose it’s hard to get fresh air when I’m chain smoking enough tar and tobacco into my lungs to kill a small horse.  There is no way I’m quitting now.  If the two of them are going to keep dumping all these wonderful little surprises on me I’m going to need something much stronger than nicotine.  Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that.


There are too many thoughts fighting for dominance that it’s become one jumbled mess. I take a look around our back yard and try to get a handle on my troubled mind. I think it’s kind of funny the idea of us living here, three ex-Gundam pilots in the middle of suburbia.  Oddly enough it was Wu Fei who found the house for us.  He said it would be a “good place to settle our roots”. We are a half hour from the city and about forty five minutes from Headquarters.  He was right but it still took some getting used to for all of us.  Heero felt like we were constantly under surveillance and thought our neighbors were spying on us. It took some explaining, but I believe we finally were able to explain to him that our neighbors were just trying to be friendly. Trowa and I both felt restless and uncertain in the beginning.  The two of us came from similar backgrounds in the sense that we never stayed in one place for any real length of time and coming home to the same place day in and day out was a definite adjustment.  It was something we never had- a home.  I think that restlessness was what initially drew us together.  That and the fact that it was so damn quiet at night we didn’t know what to do with ourselves.


            I guess the relationship between Trowa and I started innocently enough. We had been in the house less than a month.  I can recall this because we were still fighting over color schemes and furniture placement.  It was yet another night that I could not sleep in the deafening silence of our house that I came across Trowa in the kitchen.  He confessed to me that he was having the same trouble adjusting to our new post-war lives and the two of us got to talking.  I think it was the longest conversation I ever had with Trowa.  During the wars we didn’t really spend too much time together.  It wasn’t due to anything other than the fact that it seemed to work out that way.  But in that dark kitchen early that fateful morning I saw another side of Trowa.  One I had never really seen before. He let the mask slip briefly and allowed me to see much more of his vulnerable side.  It was nice that he seemed comfortable enough around me to share a few things about his past.  So I in turn opened up to him.  He told me about the mercenary camps he grew up in and how there was always the sound of engines and machinery.  I told him about the streets of L2 and how the colony was always bustling no matter the time of day.


            I suppose that was the reason I was not surprised when Trowa came to my room a few nights later and crawled into bed with me.  He didn’t need to say a word, I knew why he came.  Having another person nearby is a comfort and I welcomed him with open arms.  We fell into a routine eventually.  We would start out in separate beds but by the end of the night we were in either one’s bed.  It was all very innocent and chaste.  We would just snuggle, I swear.  It was nice having someone there when you woke up from a nightmare and we both had our share.  Trowa would hold me so tight on those nights, just like Solo did when I was a kid.  I did my best to return the favor for him whenever necessary. 


            The sex came a few months into our little sleeping arrangement.  I was the one who initiated it.  It was late one night when something woke me.  I don’t remember what, but I can recall opening my eyes and looking over to Trowa who was asleep beside me.  I reached over and brushed his hair out of his face.  He looked so peaceful, so undeniably beautiful that I couldn’t help myself and I leaned over and kissed him.  He came awake instantly.  I was prepared for him to throw me out of his room or beat the shit out of me for taking advantage of him.  The very least I expected was for him to question me as to why but to my complete shock he did none of those things.  He instead stared at me with a strange intensity in his eyes for a long while.  I opened my mouth and was about to apologize when he grabbed me by the shoulder and pulled me into a passionate kiss.  Well, the kissing lead to touching and the touching lead to caressing and well, before I knew it we were both naked and I was inside him.  Afterwards, as we lay in a tangled mess of sweaty limbs we both agreed that we did not want to be tied down in a relationship but that was by no means a reason to stop what we had going on.  So, we didn’t. 


            That brings me back to the problem at hand.  Heero confessed to me that he is in love with Trowa.  Heero has also stated that he knew Trowa and I were sleeping together so he obviously assumed we were in some sort of relationship.  That is most likely the reason why he never approached Trowa or made his feelings known.  Okay, so where does that leave me?  What are my feelings for Trowa?  Of course I love him; he has become one of my closest friends over the last two years.  I would crawl to hell and back on bloody knees for him.  I’m also not going to deny that the sex was phenomenal.  My past experiences pale in comparison to Trowa.  But am I in love with him?  I was frantic when Heero and Trowa had been captured.  When they were finally rescued and I saw first hand what had been done to Trowa I was so angry I wanted to kill. 


            An icy chill moves down my spine despite the warm summer breeze.  Trowa has suffered so much for so long he deserves someone who can give him their love unconditionally.  I don’t know if he even wants me to be the one.  I can’t just assume that because we’re having sex that I am the one he wants.  He said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and at the time I agreed with him.  I’m not so sure I feel the same way anymore.  Let’s face it; the line of work we are currently involved in is very dangerous.  I can see where attachments might be considered a liability but should we be denied happiness if we can find it?  Haven’t we given enough already?  I think I want to have someone to love and be loved in return.  That’s not such an unreasonable request.  I think it’s time I faced something I’ve been denying myself for a while now.  Despite everything that has happened I still want to be with Trowa.  Does that mean I am in love with him?  I’m not sure but I think I would like to find out.


            I take the last drag from my cigarette and stomp it out in the ashtray.  I take a deep breath and sigh.  I’m going to have to be patient and let Trowa recover.  Once that happens we can sit down and have a serious talk about us.  If he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship with me then that’s fine but I think the two of us need to start being honest with each other.  I head back into the kitchen and survey the mess from earlier.  Oh well, I’ve got nothing better to do right now so I begin cleaning up the lunch dishes.  I glance at the clock, 4:32 P.M.  Damn, where did the day go?


            I had just finished drying the last of the dishes when I hear Trowa’s anguished scream echo through the silent house.  I drop what I’m doing and bolt up the stairs taking them two at a time.  When I reach Trowa’s room I find that the door is already open.  I take one step into the room and stop dead in my tracks.  Heero is sitting on the bed next to Trowa with one arm wrapped around his shoulders and has pulled Trowa into an embrace.  Trowa has his hand fisted in Heero’s shirt and his face buried in Heero’s neck.  My heart freezes at the sight.  What is Heero doing with my Trowa?   Wait, my Trowa?  That reaction surprises me.


            “I can still feel him.  He’s here,” I hear Trowa say weakly.  There is so much fear in his voice.


            “Shh, no he’s not.  He will never hurt you again.  I made sure of that. Never again,” Heero replies back.  I take a step further into the room and Heero looks up at me.  There is a little guilt in his expression.  I could exploit that if I wanted but right now is not the time.


            “Duo’s here,” Heero whispers to Trowa.  I move to the bed as Trowa unfolds himself from Heero’s embrace and holds his arms out, beckoning me.  I sit down on the other side of the bed.  Trowa whimpers as he practically throws himself at me and buries his face in my chest.  I immediately pull him close.


            “It’s alright.  You’re okay it was just a dream.  It wasn’t real,” I say as I begin to gently rock him.  I look up into Heero’s face and I see the concern and the apprehension etched into it.  But underneath it all I see the love he has for Trowa.  I know now what needs to be done to help us all overcome this.  I take hold of Heero’s hand and pull him closer to Trowa and me and the two of us envelope the trembling man.


            “You’re here with us, Trowa,” I whisper.  “You’re here with me and Heero and we both love you.”