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05 September 2005 @ 03:23 pm
Hold Your Light- Chapter 16 Interlude Trowa- part 2  

Ah, Nanashi.  It looks like they really worked you over this time.  I keep telling them that if they play too rough, they’ll end up breaking their toy.  And we can’t have that, can we?  This group can’t afford to lose the best mechanic we’ve had in a while.  Oh well, let me get my suture kit.  Oh, and Nanashi?  This is going to hurt…a lot.


I rise to consciousness gradually, brought back by the growing intensity of pain throughout my entire body.  I don’t think there is any place on me that isn’t feeling some sort of ache.  


I open my eyes and realize that I’m lying face down on my bed.  When did I come back up here?  My eyes feel gummy and swollen.  Shit, I must have been crying again, and in front of Heero to boot.  I make a move to roll over when a hand presses down on my shoulder firmly.  I freeze.


“Try not to move.  I’m almost finished,” Heero says quietly from beside me.  I lift my head to look in his direction and can barely see him out of the corner of my eye.  He is sitting on a chair that he pulled over to the side of the bed. I have to will myself to relax to let him finish. And despite my best effort not to, I shiver at his touch.  The fact that I am also shirtless isn’t sitting too well.  That means I blacked out and Heero brought me up her and removed my shirt.  These fucking lapses are leaving me too vulnerable.  I need to get control over them.  


He withdraws his hand and I feel a gentle prodding at the gash on my back.  I hiss through my teeth as he squeezes the wound closed.  It hurts, but pain is something I can deal with. 


“Sorry,” he apologizes quickly, but keeps going.  “It’s not that bad, but it needs to be re-stitched.  The bandage you put on wasn’t covering the area that reopened.  That’s why it bled right through your shirt.  After I butterfly it, I can drive you to the hospital to have it-“


“No,” I interrupt him sharply.  I feel his hands stop moving.  “We’re going there tomorrow anyway.  It can wait.”


He exhales loudly to show that he’s upset with my decision, but to his credit, he doesn’t say anything.  Heero works quickly and efficiently with practiced hands as we pass the next few minutes in silence.  I have nothing to say to him.  In fact, I wish he would leave me alone.  I don’t care if the injury becomes infected or if I bleed to death.  I just want to be left alone.  Why in front of Heero?  Why did all this have to happen in front of Heero?  If I wasn’t in so much pain right now, I think I might actually feel embarrassed, but right now all I can feel is an overwhelming sense of shame.     


“Are you cold?” Heero asks.  “You’ve got goose bumps.  You we’re complaining that you were cold before when you…uh…”


“Had a panic attack.  Just say it, Heero.  It wasn’t my most shining moment, but it happened so you don’t need to be so goddamned delicate.”  I push myself up onto my elbows so that I can turn my head to glare at him.  He looks nervous and that pisses me off even more.  I’m not a fucking basket case, nor am I a weakling, and the kid-glove treatment is getting on my last nerve.  


“O-okay, I’m sorry,” he says as he shrinks back into the chair. 


I press my face into the pillow and scream.  It’s surprisingly cathartic, but not enough.  “Stop apologizing.  You have nothing to be sorry for,” I tell him when I raise my head.  He makes this noise like he’s going to say something, but settles for sighing loudly again.  I curl my legs under me and slowly push myself up into a seated position.  Once again, Heero surprises me by not trying to help.  I have to give an inward smile.  Duo should take lessons from him, at least when it comes to this.  Duo is far too touchy-feely sometimes. 


“Heero,” I begin calmly when I get myself comfortably situated against the pillows.  As soon as he turns those sorrowful blue eyes in my direction, I loose whatever I was going to say. 


“How can you say that?” he asks as he looks down at his hands.  “This whole situation is my fault.  I failed…the mission, you…everything.”


Look out, incoming guilt trip at twelve o’clock.  I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes.  “We had bad information.  It was a trap, we didn’t know.  You can’t blame yourself for that.  If that were the case, then I’m just as guilty as you are.”


“But if I only…”


“If you only you what, Heero?  Went in by yourself?  The outcome would have probably been the same.  They were waiting for us.  It was an ambush, plain and simple.  Then you would have had to face those two alone.”  At that comment his head snaps up and he looks at me wide-eyed and remorseful. 


“That would have been better.  I hate that I couldn’t do anything for you.  I would have traded places with you in a heartbeat, Trowa.”


If I had been able to reach him before he reacted, I would have punched him.  Instead I give him my iciest glare. "Don't you ever say that again.  I don’t want to hear you spout crap like that.  That is an ordeal no one should ever have to go through."


He's quick to respond.  "But you went through it.  If Duo and the rescue team didn't get there when they did, I would have too.”


"No," I shake my head adamantly.  "Never.  I would have never allowed that to happen.  I knew how to keep them distracted.  They would have never gotten around to you."


Heero sits back in the chair, clearly stunned at my words.  "What?" he asks incredulously. 


"It's not important," I mumble and look away. 


"Because you've gone through this before," he states rather than asks.  If I'm not mistaken, there is a hint of irritability in his voice.


"Yes, and I wasn't about to let it happen to a friend, okay?” I snap.  “Not when there was something I could do about it."  Great, that’s all I need, is to have Heero feeling guilty over this.


“Well, that was a shitty way to handle things.  I was really scared for you.” 


I stare at him in disbelief.  There are tears in his eyes.  Tears.  He’s on the verge of crying.  I don’t fucking believe this.  I can’t believe that this is the same person who stood in front of every member of the Noventa family and handed them a loaded gun.  I was there, I watched every time he bowed his head and explained how he wronged them and that if they felt it necessary, to go ahead a put a bullet in his head in retribution.  No.  I can’t deal with this now. 


I lean back carefully against the pillows and cross my arms over my chest.  “Well, tools were made to be used, right Heero?  I did what I had to do.”


His brows furrow and his mouth drops open in shock.  It takes him a moment to compose himself before he rises slowly and steps away from the bed.  “I’m going to leave you alone now.  It’s not the time to discuss this.  Perhaps some other time will be better.”


“There is never going to be a better time,” I tell him coolly. 


He sighs loudly as he opens my bedroom door.  “I care about you, Trowa.  I don’t want to see you hurting, but that doesn’t mean that I will just stand by and watch you intentionally do this to yourself.  I meant what I said before.  I’ll leave if you think it will help.”


“Because you love me, right?” I say with a sneer.  His expression darkens a bit before he responds.




His voice is barely a whisper and the sincerity behind it stabs right into my heart.  He can’t love me…he just can’t.  I know what I have to do.  I take a deep, calming breath and let the mask slide over my features.


“You just want to fuck me,” I say with a snort.  The look on his face is precious.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen that much emotion, not even when we were in that room two days ago.  I roll onto my side and run my fingers along my collarbone in the most mockingly seductive way that I can.  “That’s right, isn’t it Heero?  You want to fill in for Duo?  Want to help me fuck all the bad memories away?  Come on then.  In my condition, I’m hardly at match for your strength.  You could easily-“ 


I cut myself off when I hear an odd creaking sound.  The metal doorknob that Heero had been clutching is now crimped where his fingers had been.  He looks down at the damage and then back to me.  He looks like a lost child, so confused.  His Adam’s apple bobs visibly as he swallows hard.


It’s obvious that he’s doing his best to not react to what I just said.  “Get some rest,” he tells me, his voice hoarse with tears choked back.  “I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.”


And with that he backs out of the room and closes the door behind him.  Things will never be the same between us, and that is for the best.  You shouldn’t love me, Heero, no one should.  I’ll only hurt you in the end. 


I curl my body into itself, hiding, blocking out the rest of the world.  And I repeat lies over and over in my head in the hope that one day I’ll be able to believe them.  





Hugs to presser_kun for the beta on this chapter.  Hope you like the revised opening!  And in other news, I won $200 from a slot machine at Foxwoods casino.  Yeah!  I'll give an offical trip update later...or maybe tomorrow.